Thursday, 25 July 2013

Ich vermisse Berlin

I thought a lot about my travel plans for Berlin since my post a few weeks ago, no change from usual really. I came to the conclusion that because its so far away it makes it easy to get frustrated and feel like giving up. It was very much Berlin or bust when I decided. Berlin or die, even. So much of my life has felt like a live or die choice... I've realised giving up isn't an option and that I need to make the most of the next few months in all parts of my life. This was never about running away.... 

It's my birthday next month, I'll be 31. I've decided that I'd like spend it in Berlin, of course. It'll a good opportunity to remind myself why I'm uprooting myself from my friends and family, leaving a steady job, my boyfriend and cat behind, albeit temporarily, to live in a strange city where I don't even speak the extremely complicated language. That doesn't sound silly to me, it sounds exciting. Isn't that what life's supposed to be about when you're young and have no commitments.

That's a picture of me and the boy on our first trip to Berlin a couple of years ago. See how happy, and drunk, we look. Berlin life everyday, friend.

I've booked my tickets and now I'm just waiting for my birthday to roll round... I say just waiting but actually there's lots to look forward to in between. 

Aside from Berlin, here are a few of the August highlights:
 Hopefully I'll get the chance to write about some of them x

German words of the week.

I'm learning a few German words each week. This weeks words are:
Bedeckt - overcast
Teufel - fiend
Schidkrote - tortoise

I'm pleased to learn that mayonnaise is the same in German. 

Saturday, 20 July 2013

MOAR German times!

St Pauli won the first game of the season last night. Wills and I celebrated with pretzels.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

I spy Skeleton Cardboard

Last night I went to the private view of La Joie De Vivre, an exhibition featuring the wonderful Skeleton Cardboard.  

I really like the simplicity and that the work is made out of recycled materials, it makes it feel accessible and inclusive.

Skeleton Cardboard makes me happy.

On my way home I took some pictures of some street art.

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Social cleansing in Brixton.

Yesterday 75 residents were forcefully evicted from their homes in Rushcroft Rd, Brixton. Some had lived there for over 30 years. People lost their homes and we have lost an important part of our community. Many of the flats will be sold off to private developers, priced out of the reach of most long term residents. This action will irrevocably change the character of central Brixton.
On a lighter note, the cops in this picture look like they are posing for some kind of awful copper boyband from the 90s

You can find more about the eviction on the Brixton Buzz website, take a look at this  photo report  and article including some videos from the day.

Read the article and photo and video report on the Brixton Blog

UPDATE: 25th July, things have gotten a lot worse on Rushcroft Road since the squatters got kicked out. The new occupants are playing bongos.

Friday, 5 July 2013

Who the fuck does she think she is?

So far I have a flight, language class, a checklist and a large dose of self doubt. 

The last few days have been so full of hope and possiblity. And now I feel like I'm back to square one again. That ever so friendly voice in inside  is reminding that I'm fucking nothing.

A chasm has opened up in my stomach and isn't going away.  Berlin feels like a bad idea. Life feels like a bad idea.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Hello - this is my first blog post

I know it’s a cliché but I always thought that I’d do something great maybe not world changing great but enough to get a little bit more than a few free drinks and guest list places at dingy clubs in South London. I thought I’d be someone, do something...

After uni I went traveling, like everyone else. I came back from India sun kissed, full of energy and life. It was 2009, year of economic doom and gloom but I was happy, content just to have a job, just to be useful.

I didn’t mind working in a windowless room, alone, archiving ancient social work files listening to dour music from the 80s. In fact, I quite enjoyed it...

Since then I've had a string of equally mundane jobs doing equally mundane tasks. Ok well that’s not quite true, in one job I got to travel a bit. Once I went to Leeds for a meeting and had a curry and a sneaky beer on the company, alcohol wasn’t permitted on expenses. Not for us lowly project support officers anyway. You can’t see me but I’m rolling my eyes.

I used to be fun. I was never a what if person. I never gave myself a chance to ask or be asked what if? I just threw myself in head first; I worked it out along the way; you only fail if you stop trying blah blah blah... Guest list, back stage, no queuing ever, useless musician boyfriend who rapidly became useless musician husband and now ex. The ex who shall not be named, yeah kind of like my own Voldemort.

I’m ungrateful. On paper, I’m doing fine. I’ve got a slightly less mundane job than the one I had in 2009.  I earn above the average wage, my boyfriend is kind, considerate and gorgeous, we have a cat and a great bunch of mates. I can afford nights out, weekends away and my ebay addiction is ridiculous. But I’ve become bitter and resentful. I feel trapped and I hate myself for letting it happen. My lovely sweet boyfriend bears the brunt of it. And I’m starting to resent him too, for putting up with it, for sticking around... for loving me when I can’t stand myself.

It was as though I was both my own captor and prisoner - there was no escape. Go to jail, go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect £200. I decided that I had to die, There was no way out, dying was my safety net. It all sounds very dramatic, it was. If you’ve never been depressed you probably think that sounds bonkers, maybe it is. I’m still not sure sometimes... I still feel like I’m fading away...

So I made a plan, a proper plan not one where I die and my mates sit round cursing and weeping, stuffing chicken supreme vol au vents in their faces trying in vain to hold back the tears. Instead of necking a load of antidepressants and vodka, ending up dead, a vomit covered mess, alone in my flat I've made a plan. Instead I’ve booked a language class and a flight....